Lost In Thought
by random2
Summary: Love never was one to care about who you are. Hate never was one to play favorites. Draco has to deal with both. (slash)


**Title:** Lost In Thought  
**By:** Random  
  
**Warnings:** Slash, slightly dark, slightly confusing  
  
=+=  
I have no idea when I first decided that I loved you. Or when I first admitted to myself that I loved you. When I stopped pretending that this torturous feeling inside me was something other than hate, but not far off. When I gave up convincing myself it was lust, or simply a burden that would go away.   
  
A burden. That is what it is. I do not consider this a blessing, because, quite plainly, it isn't. There are ten thousand different things I would rather happen to me than this, but they won't and this won't go away. I tried to make it. I gave it time. It's still there and it won't leave. This is not a joyous moment in which I revel in the fact that I care about someone. This is something that fills me with dread, pain, and makes my heart feel heavier than it did before.   
  
I blame you. I blame my heart. I blame myself.   
  
It was not love at first sight, either. Or second, or third, or even years later when I glanced at you. I still hated you. I still do. But...at the same time....I love you.   
  
I want you to know that. I want to revel in the shock upon your features, then the hatred that will shine through. I want you to hit me, curse me, do something to make me stop feeling this way. Tell me how much you hate me. Remind me. Stop doing all those little things that make me almost certain that you feel the same. Because you don't and I don't want you to.  
  
Or do I? I want to hate you and I want you to hate me. That makes things easier for both of us. I tried once, to think of how it might go if you were to actually feel the same. I did it once and never again. Because you don't feel the same, do you? No matter how much my heart may want you to, you won't, and I can't make you feel the same.   
  
I don't want to make you feel the same.   
  
You don't want to feel the same.  
  
Do I want you to feel the same? Even though you've caused me so much agony, do I want you to feel the same? If you did, would that change anything? If I knew, would I treat you differently?   
No, I probably wouldn't. I would feel even worse if you felt the same. If you hate me, it makes this so much easier.   
  
Please don't say you hate me. Please don't say anything at all. If I don't have to hear you speak, wishing it wasn't hateful words that came from your mouth, maybe I can live easier with this. Maybe I can get over this. Maybe I can get over you.  
  
Or perhaps I'll never rid myself of this emotional curse you seem to have unintentionally put upon me.   
Do you have any idea how this feels? Do you even care what I'm going through? Tell me you don't. Tell me you don't care about me or whatever it is I'm feeling.   
  
But don't tell me now....I'm messed up enough now as it is.   
  
We could have been friends, you do know that, right? We could have been friends....Same houses or not, it doesn't matter anymore. We could have been friends. You could have looked at me and smiled everyday. I could have waved at you from across the Great Hall and no one would care.   
  
But you don't smile at me, I don't even give you a civil glance, and everyone expects us to hate each other. And do you? Do you really hate me? Do you hate seeing me everyday? Do you wish that I would just die and make your life easier?   
  
I do. I wish you would die. You have no idea how lovely it would be to see you lying on the floor, cold and bleeding and dead. I would laugh, do you know that? I would laugh, smile, and give you the most charming smile I could manage through my damned tears.   
  
Because having you alive is killing me, but if you die then I've lost my whole world.  
  
And I hate you for that. I hate you for having this power over me that I can't control. For forcing these emotions upon me without even lifting a finger. For just being alive, I hate you.   
  
But mindless of everything we've done to each other, to what we've said and to what we've thought, I love you.   
  
  
=+=   
  
Although it doesn't mention names, this story is from Draco's perspective and he's thinking of Harry. Of course, you can just pretend they are other people and whatnot.   
  
Thanks for reading ^_^ 


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